The “terrible twos” are notorious among parents, but Jennifer Martin, 34, was caught off guard when her 28-month-old suddenly slapped her during a tantrum. “He was looking right at me and just went for it. I felt completely unprepared,” she recalls. This unexpected aggression left her feeling bewildered and uncertain about how to respond effectively.

Jennifer’s experience is not unique; many parents face the same bewilderment when their toddlers resort to hitting. Experts agree that this behavior, while alarming, is a normal part of toddler development. Young children often lack the verbal skills to express their frustration or anger, leading them to physical actions instead.

Understanding the root cause of the hitting is crucial. Toddlers might hit because they are overwhelmed by emotions they can’t articulate. They might also be mimicking behavior they have seen elsewhere, testing boundaries, or simply reacting to a stressful environment. Observing the context in which the hitting occurs can provide valuable insights into what triggers this behavior.

Parents should respond calmly but firmly. Yelling or hitting back can reinforce the behavior, making it seem like an acceptable way to express emotions. Instead, parents can use gentle but clear language to communicate that hitting is not okay. For instance, saying, “We don’t hit. Hitting hurts,” helps set a clear boundary.

Additionally, teaching toddlers alternative ways to express their feelings can be highly effective. Encouraging them to use words, even simple ones like “mad” or “sad,” can gradually reduce their reliance on physical actions. Providing them with a safe outlet for their emotions, such as a designated space where they can calm down or engage in physical play, can also be beneficial.

Consistency is key. Parents need to enforce the same rules and consequences every time their child hits. This might involve time-outs or other forms of age-appropriate discipline that do not involve physical punishment. Reinforcing positive behavior when the child handles their emotions well can also promote better behavior over time.

According to Dr. Amy Morin, LCSW, a child psychologist and author, “Hitting is often a sign that a child is overwhelmed by their feelings and doesn’t yet have the language or emotional regulation skills to express them appropriately. It’s important for parents to model calm behavior and provide consistent, clear boundaries to help children learn more effective ways to communicate” .

Ultimately, patience and understanding from parents can help toddlers navigate this challenging phase. It’s a time for teaching and modeling appropriate ways to deal with strong emotions, laying the foundation for better emotional regulation as they grow older.